Couple’s Perk – RAIN Meditation
In this couple’s perk, I would like to share a concept and an exercise that has helped me show up with my best self in some of the challenging moments with my husband. The exercise is intended to help you access your feelings, needs, and longings and support you in showing up in a stable state. From this more self-connected state, you will find it easier to start difficult conversations with gentleness, take responsibility instead of being defensive, respectfully express your feelings and request positive needs, as well as self-soothe when flooded.
The concept I would like to share with you is neuroception. This concept coined by Dr. Stephen Porges describes our subconscious system that is scanning our environment for threat or safety.* In other words, when we connect with our partners, we unconsciously watch for cues of safety. Some of the signals we look for are the quality and tone in voice, facial expression of kindness and warmth, a relaxed body. As you might imagine, if we exude cues of safety, then the chance that our interaction will lead to intimacy and understanding rather than strife is much greater.
So how do we access a friendly state when we are agitated? When I am awake enough to notice that I am in a triggered state, the tool I use before I talk to my partner is Tara Brach’s RAIN meditation. I also use this exercise if things have not gone well. RAIN helps me recover sooner from the overwhelm and shut down that can lead me to withdraw from my relationship. When first trying this tool, practice it for a month or so on a trigger that is about 5 on a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is not triggered, and 10 is the most triggered.
A brief description of how to practice the RAIN meditation:
Find a quiet place to sit and take some long deep belly breaths that have longer exhales. Longer exhalations will allow your parasympathetic system to step in, bringing you into a quieter, relaxed state.
- Then begin with step 1, the R of RAIN, recognizing. Bring your observing and curious self and notice what is happening in you. Notice the dominant feelings, thoughts, sensations that are present. Once you take a few minutes to recognize your inner landscape and then go to step 2.
- Step 2, the A of RAIN, allowing. Find the part of yourself that can make room for what is happening, allowing it to be exactly as it is. This quality of allowing is not about agreeing with a negative belief; it is merely allowing and not fighting how life is showing up in you at this moment.
- Step 3, the I of RAIN, investigating. Notice how this experience is living in your body. Stay focused on the felt experience.
You might ask yourself the following questions:- What is the worst part of this? What most wants my attention?
- What is the most challenging/painful thing I am believing?
- What emotions does this bring up (fear, anger, grief?)
- Where do I feel these emotions inside?
- What is the felt sense of these emotions as sensations (i.e., clenched, raw, hot, sore, aching, empty, squeezed)?
- What do I notice when I assume the facial expression and body posture that best reflect these feelings and emotions?
In the final phase of step 3, ask yourself the following questions: - If the most vulnerable, hurting part of me could communicate, what would it express (words, feelings, images)?
- How does this part want me to be with it?
- What does this part most need (from me or from some larger source of love and wisdom)?
- The final step is the N of RAIN, nurturing. Take a moment to adjust how you are sitting, shift your posture, take some deep breaths. With these adjustments, allow something new to arise in your felt experience. Invite your wise, compassionate self into your consciousness or another being that helps you feel loved, accepted, treasured. What is the essential need you uncovered in this exploration? Once you name that longing, let that need be honored and met by your wise self or the compassionate being you chose to be with you. Let either your compassionate self or the wise being (friend, family member, pet, spiritual figure) offer the triggered part of you the love, acceptance, protection, forgiveness that you need. You might provide care through your hand on your heart or imagine the hurt vulnerable part of you being held and resting in a warm embrace. As you finish this process, see if there is a helpful message from your wise self or compassionate being. Something that will be helpful for your to remember. Take a moment to take the message in and notice the quality of connection you have towards yourself and your life.
The 10 to 15 minutes it takes to do RAIN helps me find some peace and notice what I am longing for and needing. If I take time to listen to myself with the same quality of attention that a dear friend offers me. If I am connected to compassion and provide that compassion to my triggered hurt and frustrated parts, then I bring a mature self to my interactions with my husband and loved ones. From this compassionate self-state, I can share with my husband what I long for and ask him to meet that need in an inviting, less demanding, and vulnerable way. From this self-connection, it is easier to speak with care and listen with kindness and curiosity.
I hope some of you take the time to try this wonderful tool. If you have any questions, do not hesitate to reach out to me. Once you have attempted RAIN, let me know if you found this relationship perk helpful.
Yours on the intentional path to love,
Lyn Stubbs, M.S.W.
(She/Her/Hers)
lyn@thecouplescollege.com
For many resources on RAIN and other meditations in English and Spanish, go to
For a deeper dive into RAIN, purchase Tara Brach’s new book Radical Compassion: Learning to Love Yourself and Your World with the Practice of RAIN at one of our local booksellers A Capella https://www.acappellabooks.com, Little Shop of Stories https://littleshopofstories.com or Charis https://www.charisbooksandmore.com
*Definition of neuroception- https://eric.ed.gov/?id=EJ938225
